my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
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I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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