I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
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