Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
Holy shit dude........stairs
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
