i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Randomize
