You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
She told me I should be a condom model.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Randomize
