Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
