it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
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