1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
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Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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