I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦🏼♀️
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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