One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
