my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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