No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
