omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
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