3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
