you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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