I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
Randomize
