I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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