proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Randomize
