i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
Someone came in the potted fern
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
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