When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
