I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
Randomize
