you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
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