I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Randomize
