Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
