Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Dear god my vagina.
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