you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
