why didn't you poke me back
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
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She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
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I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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