I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
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