Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Well apparently he's into motor boating.
you traded sex for a burrito?
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
Randomize
