She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
She's not a foreskin expert like you
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Randomize
