theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Randomize
