He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
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