I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
