Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
