How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
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you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
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