I am puke
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
