Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
