he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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