I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
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