just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
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My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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