All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
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