Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
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