It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
It doesn't have to be a walk of shame...just pretend he took you to breakfast.
No one shows this much boob at breakfast
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Randomize
