oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
