if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Randomize
