The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
