Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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