the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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