No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
