I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
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