I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
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