I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
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THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
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Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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