My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Randomize
